Log in

No account? Create an account
09 June 2007 @ 03:12 am
But I said I loved you  
Setting: Jade; R's home.
Characters: Riku (black_keyblade) & Roxas (hairgeljunkie)
Status: Completed
Rating: XYZ. It's the R's. What do you expect?

When Roxas had stumbled across the packed belongings to the subject of his love, it hadn't come to mind to question his particular motives, the blonde far too relieved to be home once more. And while to some degree his mind did register alarm to the fact Riku had intended to tuck aside his possessions while Roxas was away, he had simply turned a cheek. At that time, it was far more monumental to replace the items where they rightfully belonged, with or without Riku's consent.

Preferably with.

And where the smaller male may have hoped things to return to their general order, his love reinstated with the other male, and it apparently mutual, it had appeared he was oterhwise blind to what changes could have occurred.

Never before did their large bed appear so lonely as Roxas rested upon his side, arms wrapped thoughtlessly around a pillow as he stared into the morning glow; there wasn't any good-morning cuddling to be found here, the tender brush of lips, the ghost of a hand... All gestures of the male he loved without comparison, Riku having taken residence on the couch.

And it troubled him, the blonde having adopted a habit of restless tossing during the last few nights of their return. Yet had he been questioned before on the absence of Riku, he would have reassured he would have given anything to simply have his love back in the house once more. But knowing he was downstairs, sleeping on the couch.. It was almost more heart-wrenching to have this knowledge than to perhaps believe Riku failed to love him outside of his home.

It seemed to be an entirely different thing between those four walls.

Note: Log to take place a few days following the Argentine event; back-dated.
black_keyblade on June 9th, 2007 11:03 am (UTC)
Although Riku had been assured that Roxas still loved him, it hadn’t exactly addressed the matter of their relationship or what had happened to it. Given for a week he had not been the other’s boyfriend he did not want to assume that he simply reclaimed that place in his love’s life. Perhaps he was supposed to redeem himself in some manner or earn that role back but he didn’t think that he would simply be welcomed into their previous relationship so easily.

He was stunned already that Roxas still loved him, and he didn’t think it was a good idea to push his luck. Assuming he could simply behave as if nothing had ever happened didn’t seem particularly wise, and he didn’t think that the other would appreciate that either.

The fact that the blond still cared for him was already beyond what he might have hoped for.

Sleeping on the couch wasn’t a particularly comfortable or welcoming experience, yet all the same he continued to retire there for the night rather than join Roxas in their bedroom as he used to. Having left his former boyfriend that privilege seemed forfeit, though he didn’t think much of the room itself or the bed that it provided. What he missed was being near his love, feeling his warmth at night and being able to watch him sleep, even if he rarely remained awake much longer himself.

Of course none of those things mattered when he wasn’t entitled to them, often watching the ceiling for a period before he actually managed the feat of sleep. Riku couldn’t claim that the couch was all that comfortable but there were certainly worse places to be, and he wasn’t inclined to complain about where he ended up sleeping. At least he could be around Roxas.

That was more than he deserved.
Roxas: get frisky tonighthairgeljunkie on June 9th, 2007 10:17 pm (UTC)
In a time previous, Roxas may have expressed a longing need to keep residence in bed long after the time he would have been expected to wake, often when he was keeping company with Riku. And where the other male's arms may have once been fastened around his waist, there resided a wounding emptiness, the warmth he may have once shared instead upon the couch on the floor below.

It didn't seem sleep would grace him anytime in the near future, and without present need to remain, the blonde figured it best to simply abandon base. Chilled as his bare feet hit the floor, he resisted a shiver as he groggily retreated from his room, hardly protected by the short sleeve shirt and shorts of his bed-clothing to the comparison of a heat he - they - once generated.

But it would almost seem as though that were a time of the past...

Traveling downstairs in a silent fashion, the youth would pause as he gazed toward the couch, feeling a familiar tug at his heart to the given separation; but perhaps that was how Riku wanted it.. Only humoring him by returning home. What if the other hadn't desired their reunion at all? What if his travels to that elaborate cage had been mere consequence, and Roxas had led him astray with false hopes, empty beliefs...

Troubled as he frowned, the youth turned from the sight and instead traveled to the kitchen, finding it productive if he started breakfast. His heartache over Riku was inevitable, but he didn't want to push him into something he may not necessarily desire.. No matter how badly Roxas wanted him in his arms again.
black_keyblade on June 10th, 2007 06:11 am (UTC)
Seeing Roxas up at an hour that normally saw him incoherent and clinging to bed, Riku was surprised to see the blond up and alert. Perhaps it was a change that came of him not being around, and he had to wonder if perhaps he’d had some negative effects on his former boyfriend. The idea was not a pleasant one but he couldn’t help wondering if he’d somehow contributed to the other’s morning grogginess.

He didn’t like the notion but not having seen the blond in the early hours before they became room-mates he couldn’t be entirely sure about it. Though he’d thought to know quite a bit about Roxas it seemed the more he thought about it the less he understood and that was a disheartening notion for him.

Still, perhaps it was with reason he didn’t know the other as well as he’d thought.

Trying to shove such ideas aside – what good did such internal debates do, anyhow – Riku only met the attention supplied him silently before watching Roxas wander into the kitchen. While he wondered what had the blond up so early he didn’t comment, not wanting to disrupt the other’s activities. If he was in the middle of something it was better not to be rude and interrupt, or so he figured anyhow.

Looking back to the ceiling he sighed, hands pillowing his head as he regarded the plain surface with a bland expression. It wasn’t an entertaining point of focus but he found himself watching it more often than not anyhow, given the amount of time he had to simply remain there and think. It seemed the change brought back his insomnia, and he hadn’t realized how much more rest he’d been getting in recent months.
Roxas: so shadedhairgeljunkie on June 10th, 2007 06:41 am (UTC)
Any previous thoughts for breakfast were quickly banished as the blonde surrounded himself with reminders of a past that didn't necessarily belong to him anymore. Like any room in the house, the kitchen wasn't any different in the regard of memories; how often had the pair retreated into this very domain, perhaps innocent with intentions while others clearly differing?

For a long beat, the youth would only manage to gaze into the distance out the nearby window, forlorn to a great extent as he found himself longing for the male in the other room. And yet a portion of him demanded a morning ritual to be completed, he focusing his attention hence to prepare tea despite any distaste for the substance at present.

There was very little that he found he desired, save for the male settled upon the couch.

It was likely to that extent that Roxas simply returned to the other room, a cup in hand though his selectively forgotten on the counter. And as he came to lean against the back of the couch, watching the other for an impossible beat, he'd simply offer the substance to the male of his desires. Even if Riku didn't find him attractive anymore - a point the blonde had once stressed - he would do his best to make him comfortable.

And yet his mind remained curious as to why he had returned, yearning for dangerous answers he knew he may not necessarily appreciate. But no amount of staring appeared to deliver such responses to these silent questions, focus hard upon the other. "... Why don't you want to sleep with me anymore?"
black_keyblade on June 10th, 2007 08:08 am (UTC)
The returned presence of Roxas drew his gaze after some moments, although he didn’t want to cause discomfort through that attention. Unsure of the situation between them the last thing he wanted was to be of some inconvenience to his former boyfriend or to make any part of his life unpleasant. Yet he wondered if his presence did just that.

Watching the offered cup for a few moments it was a delayed realization that he was intended to accept it, sitting up before he took it carefully, wary of how hot the tea could be especially in contrast to the cool temperatures of Jade. He’d been graceless enough in other areas without scalding himself so he would sooner avoid such a display, hands holding to the cup of tea as they’d rest in his lap.

He looked down at the beverage for a few moments as he found himself lost to his considerations, aware he was being watched but unsure he could meet that attention as he used to. Once he had at least been a decent boyfriend but after recent events he couldn’t say that he had been anything of the kind, having hurt Roxas.

Even if the other said he still loved him… It was difficult to get past.

Upon hearing the question he immediately looked back up, unable to stop himself from staring as he blinked in his confusion, wondering what prompted Roxas to ask that. For several moments he simply remained stunned, then let his focus drop again as he hung his head. Riku didn’t know why the other would ask something that seemed obvious. “I didn’t assume you wanted me to. I’m…not your boyfriend after what happened, so that’s…not my place.”
Roxas: contradiction in colorhairgeljunkie on June 10th, 2007 08:25 am (UTC)
It was a confusion situation, perhaps warped by what prior dismay may have clouded his mind in the loss of his love. And while absent, Roxas had beaten his mind silly for realization of what he may have done to chase the other off, unable to determine his particular actions aside.. General behavior. This would have immediately banished the idea that Riku may have once actually loved him.

How could he receive the love of someone so wonderful when he may have obviously hurt him so badly?

Roxas would only continue to watch Riku once the mug of tea was eventually accepted, aware that it may have been in either's interest to at least indicate verbally toward the beverage. Yet it nonetheless out of his possession, he'd simply keep his silence, entirely aware that he was afraid of what the other may say.

To some extent, Roxas realized he wasn't gifted enough to have the love and affection Riku once had given him, an overwhelming amount of touching grace that the blonde often discovered himself yearning for. Yet come his response, the youth felt his brows furrow with mounting consideration, wondering if his fears were indeed true.

"... You don't want to be my boyfriend," the smaller male would state after some time, tongue feeling thick within his mouth; it would make sense. He was a discomfort to the other, Riku having little to no desire to keep regular company with him. ".. I see." Where Roxas' hopes may have once resided for things to return to normal, they were abruptly shattered by this announcement, his heart once again heavy to find he was indeed without his love.

But how he loved Riku, with every fiber of his being.
black_keyblade on June 10th, 2007 08:50 am (UTC)
Where he had thought his words would communicate his thoughts succinctly, as the silence stretched between them he was no longer so sure, watching the change in expression on Roxas’ face… And certain that he had managed to say something wrong without intention. At the time they had met up in that strange place his words had been misinterpreted as well, and he was certain it was some fault in his manner of trying to convey his thoughts.

But to see the other upset like that… he must have said something very wrong.

The words however left him drawing a complete blank, unsure how he might have conveyed the idea that he did not want something that he longed for, but didn’t think he deserved. Riku still wasn’t sure how it was that Roxas could possibly find a reason to love him, or even want him around in the home they had shared. The look on the other’s face from little more than a week hence remained in his mind, and the fear he could cause it again.

If anyone, he didn’t want to ever upset or hurt Roxas that way again.

Yet knowing the conclusion the blond had drawn was wrong he floundered for a means to convey that without causing some form of misunderstanding again, far from wanting to cause more confusion than he already had. He turned and set his tea on the floor before he sat on his knees to face the other, taking longer than he might’ve thought an average person would to find something he could say.

Though hesitant to invade Roxas’ space on the chance it wasn’t desired, he brought his hands up to cup the other’s face, a gesture often directed toward him in the past, watching familiar blue eyes. How he admired everything about the other, even when they weren’t boyfriends. “I’d be the most fortunate person in the world if I were your boyfriend… But I said and did things that hurt you, so that’s not something I deserve.”
Roxas: smile brightlyhairgeljunkie on June 10th, 2007 09:02 am (UTC)
Where silence again dominated their conversation, Roxas would only resume his familiar habit of observation, blue focus perhaps intense as he found himself earnest; it seemed inevitable that Riku was likely bound for another, Roxas without the appropriate worth of someone as valuable as his former love. And while his heart yearned for the other beyond all else, beyond the length of reason, he realized it wasn't fair to try and cage something that simply wasn't meant to be his.

If Riku didn't want to be his boyfriend, he'd simply have to come to accept that.

Pain recognized and stuffed aside, Roxas simply watched as the other abandoned their tea to the floor - he deliberating the likelihood of it being knocked over in the near future - yet quickly distracted as Riku shifted. Somewhat startled as he felt familiar hands ghost against his cheek, an adoring warmth settled in the pit of his stomach and he resisted the immediate need to place his hands upon the other's. What if this was simply another example of humoring him? Riku really was too kind...

But as the other spoke, Roxas found himself at a brief loss, blinking with a vacant nature as his mind groped to rebound on his previous doubt; where he had thought Riku to desire otherwise, he was now confused, unable to see what problem may exist that they couldn't be together. "I love you," he'd state after a beat, eventually allowing his hands to lift to press upon Riku's. Then turning his head, he kissed one of the other male's palms gently, only to place it upon his cheek once more. "I don't care what happened.. I want to be with you."
black_keyblade on June 10th, 2007 10:09 am (UTC)
Riku sorely hoped that for once he hadn’t managed to miscommunicate something yet again, wrong in assumptions that he was speaking directly if not clearly. Roxas was intelligent and he often picked up on things that others failed to, so the fault had to lie in how he was trying to express his thoughts and feelings. Hopefully this time around he hadn’t been so hard to interpret or understand and actually got his point across rather than generating more confusion or distress.

He’d hoped he could avoid that problem, as he’d tried to select his words carefully, however as silence seemed to expand between them again he worried that once more he had given the wrong impression in his efforts to state his feelings. Truly he was a failure at conveying what was on his mind if he’d managed yet again to mislead Roxas, wishing he were better with words. How he failed to convey what he intended so consistently was something he couldn’t even begin to figure out.

But hearing those familiar words he turned his focus from his thoughts, watching as Roxas kissed his palm and warmed by the gesture. Although he wasn’t sure what else might be said or expressed he took comfort in the fact that the blond had once more said he loved him, especially where he questioned how the other could maintain those feelings for someone like him. There had to be another in the world who was far more worthy of Roxas’ affection, yet knowing that Riku still wanted the other for himself.

Despite the fact it may have been selfish. “And I want to be with you.” Even though he didn’t think he was worthy of the person Roxas was.
Roxas: get frisky tonighthairgeljunkie on June 10th, 2007 09:52 pm (UTC)
To some extent, Roxas humored the idea that perhaps he was being bothersome to the other, fearing that Riku's kind nature - regardless if it were to be denied - was simply attempting to cushion his fall; but it was true to all extremes that while painful, the blonde didn't care about the past, far more curious of his future, their future.

Listening to Riku as he spoke, the blonde felt a strain of relief, the weight gathered around his shoulders lifting. Yet the concern remained that Roxas may not necessarily be the one to make the other happy, despite how earnest he may have been to prove otherwise. More than anything he wanted the taller male to be his again, but not at the expense of his happiness.

".. Then let's be together," the youth would state, hands lightly grasping Riku's. "I'll be yours and you can be mine."

Perhaps it was a leap of faith that Roxas could manage to become as fortunate to have Riku in his life again. He wondered if he would have remained content to simply have the other around, back between the four walls that they had shared so many memories in.. And to a degree, it may have been so. But for now he wanted to take that risk, to regain the privilege of holding his love in his arms once more. ".. Please. I want to be yours."
black_keyblade on June 11th, 2007 05:36 am (UTC)
Riku remembered a past instance when a similar desire had been expressed, aware he felt the same then and in the present. He wanted to belong to Roxas, someone that he loved without exception, entirely without competition for that desire. The affection he felt for the other was something that he had never directed at another individual.

In truth he had never thought himself capable of having those feelings for anyone before he and Roxas had developed a relationship. That too had been something he didn’t think he was capable of. Wanting another person and being so content with their presence had never seemed a reasonable notion.

But Roxas was a different case, and Riku was well aware of that after being around him more than he had anyone.

Feeling a smile threaten to overtake his features, relieved that he had not destroyed something that meant the world to him, he leaned to press a tender kiss to Roxas’ forehead. A year hence he would have never believed how much he could miss merely looking upon someone. “I want nothing more than you. I’d be happy to be yours.” There was nothing comparable to how he felt around his love and even if he couldn’t believe he was allowed another chance he didn’t want to miss it.

Or say something stupid again.
Roxas: riku's roxannahairgeljunkie on June 11th, 2007 05:59 am (UTC)
There was nothing sweeter than those few words, Roxas' joy beyond comparison. To realize he was accepted once more, perhaps loved to the same extent as previous, it was a great relief and one the male hoped was shared. And while such sensations did merit a smile, it slipping across his lips as his features softened, he realized a fleeting concern; what if he really couldn't make his love happy?

Deciding to banish the thought at present - why ruin the moment when he could allow it to plague him later - the youth would supply the kitchen a long, almost despairing glance; it was still all hours of the morning, a feat in itself for him to be wandering, but breakfast would be demanded to be made... More or less as a previous activity to keep him busy in place of the delayed cuddling that once occupied the periods following dawn. Yet Riku was before him now, a resident upon the couch and there was a grand amount of space still available...

"Can I... Sit with you on the couch?"

The desire, if not need, to feel his arms around Riku had quickly dominated what determination to see himself into the kitchen, Roxas well aware that he rather the security of the other's embrace. And while the bed may have been more comfortable, who was he to displace the other?

.. Besides, he could always feed his face later. Maybe make a date of it.
black_keyblade on June 11th, 2007 07:27 am (UTC)
Although he wondered at how much he may have managed to distress Roxas during their brief discussion Riku was glad that he had been able to convey his feelings without generating confusion, reassured he didn’t fail entirely at expressing his thoughts. Had he managed to upset or confuse the blond yet again he didn’t know how he could think himself anything better than poor with any communication.

Choosing words for his feelings had never been a particular point of focus before Roxas became his boyfriend, and he certainly saw the effects of that when repeatedly he gave the other the wrong impression. To think his selected practice had done so much more harm than good…

For someone who was careful with words, guarded in the past, he felt he was beyond clumsy.

Blinking at the question Riku briefly wondered why the other would ask for permission to take a seat on furniture that was also his, but forfeited speculation in favor of answering. He’d allowed his focus to drift more than he needed to already and making Roxas worry yet again was something he preferred to avoid. “Not sure. Having trouble sitting?” He inquired at length, allowing for a faint smirk as his hands drifted from the blonde’s face to his shoulders, taking the opportunity to kiss Roxas’ cheek. “I’d like it if you did though... Sit with me, I mean.”

Graceless yet again. What a record he was setting.
Roxas: smilehairgeljunkie on June 11th, 2007 07:46 am (UTC)
Sarcasm had certainly become a frequent aspect in the couple's home in the past, a characteristic fortunately not lost to the blond; while in the period before he was graced with the other's company it may have appeared very rare in his behavior, it was a subtle change he had gradually adopted in humor for his love. An attribute to a nature now playful that he had feared he would lose.. There would have been little point to keep it otherwise if he weren't initiate such instances with his love.

Request accepted nonetheless, Roxas warmed to the kiss upon his cheek, quick to return his own before his focus fell to the couch. Walking around it was likely the best option, but given the tea upon the floor and its great hindrance...

It was to that event he was climbing over the furniture to settle upon a nearby cushion, this however brief before he'd find his arms around the other male. And while attempting to remain composed, features temporarily void as he'd pull himself against the larger figure, he'd supply a content sigh and smile into Riku's shoulder. He'd truly missed the security of the other male near him, let alone against him.

".. Are you hungry?" Roxas would eventually venture, aware that he was inviting his own withdrawal to take leave for the kitchen if the other was. But he supposed there'd be time later to regain practice for neglected cuddling.

That wasn't to say he didn't want it now, however.. As well as a few other events, but nothing he'd wish to press if Riku didn't desire it so. To be in his arms was enough.
black_keyblade on June 11th, 2007 10:39 am (UTC)
Watching as Roxas seemed to deliberate a course he didn’t fail to register surprise as the blond opted to climb over the couch rather than walk around it, watching his love and wondering what motivated that particular move. Nevertheless it brought the other beside him so even if the method seemed strange he wasn’t inclined to pay it any particular level of concern. What mattered more to Riku was the fact that he was with Roxas again, could be near him again.

Even though he didn’t think her deserved it, he decided rather than fixate upon that fact that he would try to make himself worthy of the other’s love, whatever it might take.

Riku had known that he had missed having his former boyfriend close to him, the warmth something that was incomparable no matter where they were or whether it was cold or not. There had always been someone about being close to Roxas that promoted that feeling, his arm slipping around the blonde’s waist. He couldn’t properly capture what it was like having someone so dear to him close again, and happy to be with him.

He hadn’t thought he could be accepted that way, forgiven so easily despite what pain he had caused… And he wanted to be a boyfriend that might be worthy of someone as kind as Roxas, someone he recognized as singularly attractive in more ways than could be counted.

Reminded of that detail he shifted a little in his unease, finding that asking the question was no easier the second time, briefly wondering if it need be asked at all. “Roxas…will you be my boyfriend again?” Something that may have been covered by they belonging to each other, but a point he wished to cover regardless.